Confidence = Hearts Fluttering Fonder

I’ve noticed a theme. Aside from still living at home, men in their late 20’s and early 30’s are severely lacking the happy medium of confidence that women are in search for. You have one end of the spectrum where they’re too cocky, and not in that charming challenging sort of way. Or they’re severely lacking that underlying confidence that provides that “take charge” and “I’ve got my shit together” undertone.

Maybe it’s the need of a great girl to get them there. Maybe it’s having the right friends. Maybe it’s simply a small wake-up call from a stranger. So here it is, I’ll be the surrogate bearer of a figurative slap in the face. This applies to some, not all men; some of you (applause) actually have it together. I’m speaking mostly to those who are still single and flailing. Wondering why the great girls just haven’t arrived yet. Well, here is why.

We see you. We know you’re there. If you can shake off whatever it is that’s forcing you to not take a little more pride in your appearance or whatever it is that makes you stand a little less tall, now’s the time to do it.

Stop whining. We’re not your mother, nor do we want to be. Have a backbone. You know the part where you want an attractive and put together woman on your arm, well, newsflash we want the same flippin thing in a man. There are a few things you should work on and own if you ever want to dress the part…and a few things that you should shy away from too.

The Rude awakening

Your ex is probably your ex for a reason. Have a light bulb moment as to why. Stop talking to her unless you want to get back together.

We also don’t want to hear about her or any other women when we’re out. There really isn’t ever a time where we’re dying to hear about another woman that you’ve seen naked.

Courting, though a silly word, is still a much sought after concept by women. Flowers are always a good idea. Seriously, buy them. It can be inexpensive with daisies or elegant with roses. Either way, you’re gaining points. Follow-up texts are a smart move – if you’re interested. Make plans for the next date at the end of the one you’re currently on – we hate the waiting to see if he’ll call game. Even if we offer, pick up the tab (at least the first few times we go out). Open doors and let us walk through first. Throw out some compliments. We love them even if we don’t take them.

Take a look at your look. Figure out if what you wore in high school really is what you should be wearing as you hit the late 20’s/early 30’s mark. Here are a few thoughts on that:

Jeans. Get a couple of nice pairs. That fit. If I can see your socks when you sit down, they’re too short. If I can’t see any sort of ass in them, they’re too big. If they’re black, they’re not “dressy”. I actually don’t agree with the fact that they still manufacture black jeans. Dark vintage wash are always a good choice. Boot cut or relaxed are always preferred. Some girls love the tight jeans on skinny boys, if you’re rocking that look you probably should be also wearing converse and playing a guitar, drums or bass.

Shirts. If there is a collar on it, always iron it. There will never be a time when you can take a collared shirt out of the dryer and immediately wear it. No I promise, there is NEVER a time where it’ll “still look good”. Tee shirts are great. Long sleeve and short sleeve. Henley’s are sexy. Sweatshirts and sports jerseys have a time and place. Obscene words and pictures on shirts, though funny with friends, probably turns people off as often as it makes someone else laugh. Keep that in mind before you enter Spencer’s or TeeShirtHell.

Trends. Stay away from them. Capris. Stay away. Shorts, always should fall as close as possible to your knee. That also applies to swim trunks. If you’re wearing sneakers with shorts, ankle socks please. If you can suck it up, wear flip flops with shorts, it always looks better.

Hair. Take a break from your barber shop and head to a hair salon at least once. If you’re hair has been the same since you were 15, it’s probably time to revisit why that is. On the plus side, hairdressers are usually pretty hot and love the chance to help a guy out with a haircut that’ll look best on him. You can get talked into a hot shave. Do not get talked into highlights.

Once you’ve got those down, you’d be surprised how much taller you might be standing and how much longer a date might last. Last and probably most important. Have a job or career that is going to at least support you and your social life. Successful women will run at the first glimmer of a man that has no career goals or no job. Yes, it’s a less than exciting economy, so being laid off doesn’t apply, as long as you’re not coasting on unemployment for too long.

You can tweak these suggestions to make them your own. Ask a friend that’s a girl, a cousin, a sister, a co-worker. Most of them will agree. At the end of the day, none of these things will actually change who you are. They will however make you more appealing to the opposite sex. Most of these things will jumpstart the confidence factor. Let’s face it, the more confidence you have and the better you feel, will shine through to the ladies. Would you want to date you? If you hesitated, chuckled or thought “well my Mom says I’m a catch” then there are probably a few things from my helpful suggestions that you can take away and apply.

This post was based on rants that I’ve had with my girlfriends over the years. It was about time to actually put them into writing.

Can you change your mind?

For as long as I can remember, I’ve always been in the mindset of looking forward to love. It’ll happen one day out of nowhere and the nonsensical statements of “it’ll find you when you least expect it” actually bare some sort of profound and true-to-my-life meaning. I’ve always had the attitude that it’s something that happens to you.

I don’t know if I actually believe that anymore. I don’t think anyone can actually fall into this thing called love unless they’re completely aware that it’s happening. I think it’s actually a choice. You look at your life and say “I choose to not do this solo anymore” or you continue to coast on the never ending search for perfection and something that’s slightly unreal.

I’ve noticed that the love stories that begin in the throes of passion, usually end with a 40-something divorcee on a path of discovering a career that is incredibly impressive. Why do women have to be jilted to be successful? To that degree, I wonder, do you leave the idea of forever happiness and love by the wayside and do what you can to experience the things you want - - but with the aching suspicion that it will last for only a short while? Do you choose to get married, have children, do the family thing with the intense possibility that you’ll be flailing again at 45 and bad-mouthing your ex-husband to your girlfriends as you finish that third bottle of vino? While the majority may end up that way, I can’t help but wonder do we do it anyways, and challenge the trend.

I say all of this by also considering that a life full of happiness doesn’t have to involve any of those things. Husbands, children, dogs, in-laws. 

I’m impressed by the women who look at life in an “I’m the center of my universe” kind of way. That career – the kind of career where you’re prepared to jilt your world and go big – and that love means being carefree and breezy. I raise my eyebrow at the thought of semi-cautious love affairs, staying out of debt, being proud of a shoe collection, and being a killer Auntie. But, can a life like that be a happy one? I don’t know. I feel like the grass is always greener spiel is incredibly evident depending on what side you’re gazing from. Think about all of this realistically and not from a John Hughes plotline or Zach Braff movie soundtrack. Are you already subconsciously making the choice? Can you change your mind?

Image pulled from ForcesofGeek.com

The Dating Compass

Let’s face it, everyone’s moral compass doesn’t always point due north. In fact, I find that when you’re dating escapades are actually on the up and up, the moral or should I say sexual compass tends to point south.  Depending on your upbringing, your age, or how long it’s been since you’ve had a really great roll around your sheets, your point of view on all of this will be skewed differently.

My girlfriends and I have talked about this at great lengths. Usually perspectives change for each situation, but we can all agree that in most situations, the waiting game is always the most successful game for girls. Now, before I’m brutally lashed out at for saying what I’m about to say, let me throw out a disclaimer.

Disclaimer: Not everyone will agree with me, in fact, I welcome the contradictions in my statements to be called out. For those of you that have a long lasting relationship or marriage that was initially fueled by sex on the first date or time you met, then, I tip my hat to you.

I’ll revert back to a simple comparison to movies, TV and even soap operas. The best storylines, the ones that keep you tuned in, returning each week, and/or buying on Blu-ray or iTunes® are the ones that keep up the sexual anticipation.  This, I’m told, falls into real life as well.

Let me also point out that the reason I find this entire topic compelling enough to actually blog about is that I’ve been on both sides of the argument. There have been times where you’re having an amazing date with someone who is so incredibly attractive that the idea of seeing what he’s got “up his sleeve” is pretty much the only goal of the evening. C’mon, it’s almost 2011. Women are allowed and even encouraged to be sexually independent and do what they want with whom they want.

On the flip side, recognize the chances that things will never be anything more than just sex (like I said there are exceptions, but this tends to be more of a rule). Granted, you can’t wait forever and unless it’s a religious belief or personal goal, I don’t agree with waiting until you’re married (really, you want to buy it before you try it?). I am however more of a believer of waiting until you know that it’ll be more than just sex.

I remember hearing about the 3^rd date rule – I feel like this was a big 80’s push. I suppose it’s a matter of what those three dates were all about and how you left each one.   But I never really thought about how soon three dates really are. I mean, at that point you probably at least know the basics, but can you tell if he’s a catch yet?

At the end of the day it boils down to what exactly you’re really looking for. Love or lust. Now, the eternal optimist in me believes that you can find both. I suppose it’s really a matter of what you’re seriously looking for. A little sexual tension and anticipation is never a bad thing.

Poker Face

Can you play your cards as well as Annie Duke or Evelyn Ng? Maybe not in actual Texas Hold 'Em but what about when it comes to dating?

One of the biggest disasters for a girl is showing her cards too soon. I'm not referring to being closed off, emotionally unavailable or a concrete case of emotion, rather I'm referring to showing your interest (or our goodies) too far ahead of time. Let's face it, the best stories, relationships, and movies that give you the butterflies and a feeling of excitement have a sense of mystery and chase involved.

Bare with me, this is more of a lesson learned rather than a rant. No matter what, or how great his dimples are, or witty his comments were, DO NOT SHOW ALL YOUR CARDS. It can be as literal as not sleeping with him or as figurative as keeping an air of mystery about yourself.

Girls, guys love the chase.

Guys, girls love to be chased. Even the strong independent girls.

There are some things that will just never change. This is one of them. Sure, it's the 21st century and women can do the same things men can. But I stand firm on this one. Go ahead, call him. Text him. But you loose a little bit of that upper hand.

This is just an observation. I would love love love to be proved wrong here. If you disagree, leave a comment. Otherwise, take this little tidbit. No matter how great it was to meet him, wait for him to ask/respond/say hey/wink/whatever. Please also keep in mind, guy time is slow, but not that slow. If he's interested, he'll make it a point to get in touch with you.

Let me be clear here, this isn't foolproof. I'm running on my assumption that men have a need to take the lead. So there it is boys...man up!

Look Who's Back!

It's been about a month since I've documented some sort of moment, idea or impulse feeling in my life. This blog always manages to be about dating, relationships, or lack thereof but every now and again I'm going to sprinkle in my second and third string of interests and questionable points of view: movies and technology. Maybe if you're lucky, it'll be a mosh of all three.

Welcome to the wonderful world of High Heels & Pink Frosting. Are you ready for your figurative sugar high?

Dating 2.0 and Up

Why is it that the single folks feel the need to kick off a new year with dating the same way most people kick it off with a diet. Like most on the healthy kick, I tend to loose oomph on the dating circuit right around March. Which means I have about six weeks until I loose interest in being proactive and recoil back to being the constant single.

These are the only answers I can come up with on how to be as proactive as possible. I mean, come' on, the girls in my crew that feel like Beyonce's All the Single Ladies is their anthem are rocking these few choices as well: Couple friends introduce your single friends, set-up a profile on one of the million online sites, kick the casual hook-up habit, and smile at everyone.

I can successfully report that my great friend who vowed to go on 52 dates in one-year determined to find the right guy, found love with date #13 and will stick with that number from here on out. They were engaged on Christmas!

While many of my friends have actually started procreating, I'm still struggling with the fact that I haven't met a good guy yet. Go figure.

Here are my favorite coddle phrases that our once single friends, who are now in blissful relationships tend to throw our way:

"It'll happen when you least expect it"
"Stop looking and it will find you"
"Try something new, maybe you're looking for the wrong thing"
"What the F are you doing wrong" -- my grandmother

Let's make one thing clear. Us single girls are all ears, if you have some great insight on success in meeting new people or dating victory then bring it on. No matter how you slice it, whatever excuse we make or armor we wear, we're looking for the great ones. Not just the good guys, but the great guys. We look for the effort, the originality, the assurance that you're not a scum bag. We look for no ring finger tan lines, someone who can fake having their life together as well as we can and most importantly someone that we can just laugh through life with.

The challenges of a new year, of dating new people, of starting relationships off on a better foot, I look forward to all of it. I lift my metaphorical glass of champagne and toast my single girls and take a giant swig back, hope not to choke , and pray for a great buzz with no headache int he morning. :)

Just...

Growing up we're always told that we should enjoy being young and carefree, that we should be lucky we don't have to deal with so much responsibility. And yes, bills and obligation can be numbing, but being able to do things as an adult and make choices is really a fabulous thing.

I find myself doing "stuff" sometimes for no other reason than the pure fact that I can. These "things" range anywhere from hopping on the train to walk around New York for an afternoon to spending an entire Sunday watching movies without a second thought of getting dressed for the day. What have you done lately that just didnt make sense or fall in line with being responsible and you just did it, just beucase you could?

Don't get me wrong, I don't believe in living life carelessly, but I do believe in enjoying the place you're in or the part of life you're at and even making choices and doing what you want to do...just because you can.

Every now and again we need a little reminder to just do...